By Allan Wenyika| If the United Nations introduces an award for best performers in voodoo economics, Zimbabwe could easily bag top prize. I honestly don’t understand where ZanuPf-Lacoste got the crazy idea that they can turn the economy around by having ED running all over pretending to be a Magufuli, Mandela, Mother Theresa and Obama, all rolled into one.

The coup was easy because it had the support of the people. It needed their guns only, guns which they had already used to capture a sitting president without the knowledge or approval of the people, before inviting the same people to demonstrate so they could falsely portray their coup as a people-driven revolution when it was none of that.

The economy, however, is proving to be a different animal altogether and it’s quite confusing for the group of coup plotters who now find themselves in furnished government offices through a coup, but without any real idea how to make anything work.

Someone should have told them that a country’s economy needs the support of serious investors with real mulla, cash, shalati, and that serious investors only invest in stable and democratic countries where their mulla is safe, not in Banana Republics led by circus troupes and warlords whose only claim to power is access to guns and tanks.

The same investors who, during the coup, promised to support the resultant government are now singing a different tune as if it’s not them who made the promise. They now want to see a free, fair and credible election first before they can open their wallets. Ouch!

They’ve even hinted that they don’t care how many farms ED returns to their original White owners, or the number of visits they make to churches and Mapostori shrines, or the number of Chicken Slice boxes their wives deliver to prison inmates and hospital patients. No, investors just want to see a free, fair and credible election in 2018 before they can get interested. Who doesn’t know that to ZanuPf-Lacoste a free and fair election is like a police roadblock waiting to impound both the car and the driver for dangerous driving? (Lucky for ED, there’s MT another dangerous driver to contend with. ED may just survive, depending how fast Mugabe’s invested poisons and own viruses destroy their respective bodies, relative to each other, before the election.)

And now that Cde ED has just tasted humble pie after discovering that Mugabe lied to them when he said their land reform program was irreversible and that Zimbabwe would never be a colony again, maybe it’s time Allan Wenyika reminds him and Madzibaba Chiwenga that global finance can be a pain in the backside sometimes. They have to return the land to real farmers who know the use of land first and wait for instructions from their new imperialist bosses on how to proceed .

Funny how a group of warlords can successfully rob their way into government and immediately become sitting ducks with no clue how to proceed. It’s slowly dawning on them that their success is hollow and the promises they got from prospective investors were fools’ gold only meant to make them behave and avoid chaos. The West sure knows how to put serial killers in their place.

I think Malume Kembo Mohadi should help his two bosses in the presidium by quickly locating the whereabouts of Sister Rotina Mavhunga before it’s too late. She could come up with a more viable plan to deal with record unemployment and cash shortages in the banks. Last time she managed to produce a few gallons of pure diesel from granite rocks somewhere in Chinhoyi when petrol and diesel became very difficult to get.

Malume should remember Rotina very well; she is the then young woman who got them to remove their expensive shoes to gain access to her mountain shrine for a show of the famous petroleum rituals. Who knows? Maybe this time she could produce millions of jobs and loads of greenbacks from another mountain, or from a river, and help save a crocodile and a retired general from getting couped by the people’s vote in 2018.

If it’s from a river she only needs to be extra cautious, crocodiles live there too, and they bite to kill.