“Geza the Great: The VIP War Hero Who Fought from a Romanian Limousine”

• …In ZANU PF, you’re a hero until you’re a headache…

In the grand theatre of Zimbabwe’s liberation narrative, one man has emerged as both a backstage kleptomaniac and a front-row VIP: Blessed Runesu Geza, or as he was allegedly known in war-time corridors, “Bombshell.”

According to ZANU PF’s National Political Commissar Munyaradzi Machacha—Geza’s own flesh and blood—our so-called liberator spent the war not in trenches, but in jeans, loafing around Mozambican villages trading army rations for Saraveji and beer like a black-market Casanova. While his comrades were dodging bullets, Geza is accused of dodging responsibilities, collecting chickens and flirting with bottle store owners.

“He’d get flogged on the buttocks daily, but never stopped. The man had calluses of corruption,” Machacha thundered, confusing the audience who couldn’t tell if this was a political briefing or a vintage ZBC drama re-run.

But the tale doesn’t end in Chimoio. Apparently, after being “exiled” to Romania for military training, Geza saw an opportunity and introduced himself to the Romanians as Robert Mugabe’s long-lost son. Not Mugabe’s nephew. His son. Naturally, the Romanians, thrilled to host the heir of Zimbabwe’s revolution, gave him the royal treatment. Chauffeured limousines, red carpets, and possibly a velvet-lined AK-47. While others were wrestling with guerrilla tactics, Geza was sipping wine and waving at traffic in Bucharest.

After the war, like a soldier-turned-Disney villain, Geza allegedly transitioned smoothly into a life of post-war plunder: stealing cattle during land reform, looting diamonds in Chiadzwa, and auctioning off Scania truck engines stolen from FRELIMO soldiers who he allegedly got drunk with homebrew.

But the pièce de résistance? When he tried to run for office in Sanyati in 2018, he was disqualified over a rape charge—and that, according to party insiders, is when he suddenly stopped being a war hero and started being a criminal.

The irony is thick: As long as he played along with the party script, Geza was a respected comrade. But the moment he questioned the Third Term bid or strayed from the Mnangagwa gospel, his war credentials were revoked like a stolen ZUPCO bus.

It leaves Zimbabweans asking:

How many war heroes were really heroes?

Or were some just really good at stealing chickens and stories?

One thing is clear: In ZANU PF, you’re a hero until you’re a headache.

And Geza?

He might be the first revolutionary to liberate a nation from the comfort of a limousine in Bucharest, says Machacha in his folk-smear.

Geza was reached for a comment.