Most of us have lost a loved one at some point in time. Needless to say, it’s hard to imagine anything more heartbreaking or gut-wrenching. While the emotional impact can’t be disregarded, there’s also the effect that it has on the health professionals who likely spent time with the person before they died. One doctor shared his unique perspective.
The people who work in hospitals are real pros.
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Emergency room doctors deal with life and death situations every day, coolly making the decisions that could help save a life. You might think they get desensitized — but according to a viral post, they absolutely do not.
This is Louis M. Profeta, MD.
LinkedIn | Louis M. Profeta MD
Dr. Profeta works as an emergency room physician in Indianapolis, but he’s also written about his perspectives and has even given a TED talk where he discusses what it’s really like to work on the front lines of the emergency room.
In a post, he said something surprising.
YouTube | TEDx Talks
Dr. Profeta wrote a piece on LinkedIn with the title, “I’ll look at your Facebook profile before I tell your mother you’re dead.” This might sound a little odd — but hear him out.
“In about five minutes, they will never be the same, they will never be happy again.”
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The enormity of this responsibility, telling someone’s parents that their son or daughter has died, is one that Dr. Profeta takes very seriously. He describes what it is like to not know who the victim was:
“Right now, to be honest, you’re just a nameless dead body that feels like a wet bag of newspapers that we have been pounding on, sticking IV lines and tubes and needles in, trying desperately to save you. There’s no motion, no life, nothing to tell me you once had dreams or aspirations.”
He says he owes it to family members.
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“I know nothing about you,” he writes. “I owe it to your mom to peek inside of your once-living world.” He goes on to say that doing this gives him insights about what caused an untimely death.
This information provides context.
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Dr. Profeta says that this glimpse into the world of a recently deceased person gives him an idea of what kind of person he’s been treating. It differentiates them from just being a body.
It sounds difficult, but necessary.
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“I see your smile, how it should be, the color of eyes when they are filled with life, your time on the beach, blowing out candles, Christmas at Grandma’s…”
Knowing this information helps Dr. Profeta show compassion.
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It’s an intensely difficult job telling the next of kin that their loved one is gone, whether the information is coming from a doctor or a police officer. It must be one of the toughest parts of either of these jobs.
He goes into depth and paints a vivid picture of his experience going through the young person’s social media profile.
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“I see you wearing the same necklace and earrings that now sit in a specimen cup on the counter, the same ball cap or jacket that has been split open with trauma scissors and pulled under the backboard, the lining stained with blood. Looks like you were wearing it to the U2 concert. I heard it was great.”
Dr. Profeta describes how he sees so many young people die for reasons that can be avoided.
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“Maybe you were texting instead of watching the road, or you were drunk when you should have Ubered. Perhaps you snorted heroin or Xanax for the first time or a line of coke, tried meth or popped a Vicodin at the campus party and did a couple shots. Maybe you just rode your bike without a helmet or didn’t heed your parents’ warning when they asked you not to hang out with that “friend,” or to be more cautious when coming to a four-way stop. Maybe you just gave up.”
Compassion is better than anger.
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Checking Facebook reminds Dr. Profeta that, “I am talking about a person, someone they love — it quiets the voice in my head that is screaming at you right now shouting: “You —, how could you do this to them, to people you are supposed to love!”
It’s a unique take.
Unsplash | Ani Kolleshi
When processing grief, it’s hard to spare a thought for the medical professionals who treated your loved one and ultimately had to be the bearer of bad news. But their perspective is a unique one and shouldn’t be ignored.
What do you think?
YouTube | TEDx Talks
I’d assumed it was tough for doctors to break bad news, but had never thought of them finding ways to show empathy and compassion rather than anger and frustration.
Do you think Dr. Profeta’s stance is odd, or does it make perfect sense?
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