By Dr Masimba Mavaza | Last week I tabulated the painful death of a family friend, Jane. She left behind a son and her loving husband who is my dearest friend and a fellow Zimbabwean. I was more humbled by the pouring of grief from all over the world. It is difficult to explain but all those who got in touch with me seriously believed it was my wife who had passed on. I received heart wrecking messages.
I literally wept, my eyes could not stop pouring tears as I read a number of emails, text and whatsapp messages which were written from the heart. Some people I do not know shared my friend’s grief even though they thought it was my wife who had passed on. I am grateful for the out pouring of love and messages of comfort by friends and those pushed by the Holy Spirit. I shared these messages with the bereaved; he cried uncontrollably over the phone. It is more painful that I cannot be with him as we are in locked down, even after the state helped him to bury his wife. He was placed on self quarantine in their home. He understands the pain of loosing a partner; and he begged me not to come.
I told him about the phonecalls I received. My pastor contacted me from Zimbabwe as he was shocked about the news, but I had to accept the condolences and explain that it was not my wife; and still I felt the grief. My brother in-law who lectures in Leicester called me early morning – he was prepared to break the lock down rules to come and be with me. I explained again that it was not my wife. The fact that it was not my wife who passed on does not make my grief any less. I then had to deal with redirecting the compassion to where it was supposed to go to. As I write I am pausing in between sentences to accept condolences and redirecting them to my friend. Once again I thank you all for the genuine grief you have shown to my friend through me. I ask my God to bless you all – please it is very comforting to know that there are still people who can still feel for you even if you do not know each other. May your compassion and humanity be the same for all.
In the midst of this I have shared a thought for my friend in his grief. When your spouse dies, your world changes. You are in mourning —feeling grief and sorrow at the loss. You may feel numb, shocked, and fearful. You may feel guilty for being the one who is still alive. At some point, you may even feel angry at your spouse for leaving you. All of these feelings are normal. There are no rules about how you should feel. There is no right or wrong way to mourn.
I saw my friend through a video call crying and he said “all I hoped for was a closure. I had wanted a decent burial for my wife I had hoped to have a proper religious funeral but God has His own way which I am not qualified to challenge.”
These are the words of my friend not mine.
When you grieve, you can feel both physical and emotional pain. People who are grieving often cry easily and can have trouble in sleeping no appetite problems with concentration or a hard time making decisions.
In addition to dealing with feelings of loss, you also may need to put your own life back together. This can be hard work. Some people feel better sooner than they expect. Others may take longer.
As time passes, you may still miss your spouse. But for most people, the intense pain will lessen. There will be good and bad days. You will know you are feeling better when there are more good days than bad.
My friend does not see any purpose for living and he is seriously lonely. I told him that there are many ways to grieve and to learn to accept loss. I begged him not to ignore his grief. There is available support until you can manage your grief on your own. It is especially important to get help with your loss if you feel overwhelmed or very depressed by it. But the Corona period is something else. The world is concentrating on the dead and the dying but no one is giving a thought for the bereaved.
Family and compassionate friends can be a great support. They are grieving, too, and some people find that sharing memories is one way to help each other.
My friend felt free to share stories about the one who is gone. Sometimes, people hesitate to bring up the loss or mention the dead person’s name because they worry this can be hurtful. But, people may find it helpful to talk directly about their loss. You are all coping with the death of someone you cared for, so my friend requested his story to fly out so that we all see the cruelty of the Corona virus. It kills the infected and destroy the lives of the living.
For some people, mourning can go on so long that it becomes unhealthy. This can be a sign of serious depression and anxiety. While it is to early to forget it is true that sadness keeps you from carrying on with your day-to-day life. But you have a child to be strong for.
We have organised online grief counseling to make it easier to work through his sorrow. They provide Regular talk therapy with a grief counselor or therapist we hope it will help people learn to accept a death and, in time, start a new life.
There are also support groups where grieving people help each other and we have introduced my friend to such groups.
We might know that grief affects how you feel emotionally, but you may not realize that it can also have physical effects. The stress of the death and your grief could even make you sick.
Even if one can Accept offers of help or companionship from friends and family the times we are in are punctuated with fear of infections. My friend went through a controlled funeral.
Let us all Remember that his child is grieving, too. It will take time for the whole family to adjust to life without a spouse or a mother. You may find that your relationship with your children and their relationships with each other will change.
Mourning takes time. It’s common to have rollercoaster emotions for a while.
I do not wish any of us to go through what most families are going through this Corona period. When your government calls for a lock down it is entirely for your safety and that of your family. You are responsible for your neighbour and your self. The experience my friend had is still haunting all of us.
This can happen to any of us. No one is immune to this virus. This virus is a very new virus anything coming to us as an advice from experts let us follow it. Maybe we will stop the virus. Lock down is to save you oneday even if through hunger and suffering you will turn back and thank the authorities for saving your life. Let us all unite in and submit to the advice from the experts and fight Corona. Above all let us ask God to come and help us. Alone we will not win. God bless you all once again thank you for your thoughts towards my friend through me.